Oh, magazines. They're flimsy and thin and only cost about 5 bucks, and yet, they hold so much wisdom and make our lives that little bit better.
If not for CLEO, I'd still be ignorant of what my hair straighter says about my personality. Or the top 25 ways I'll always suck more than Jennifer Hawkins. Or why I should rethink high-waisted pants.
Cosmo has educated me on how empowering saline can be for the modern woman, especially when tastefully implanted under the pectoralis muscle "for the right reasons" (such as looking hot, and making your ex-boyfriend regret dumping you).
Without magazines, I'd still be poisoning my body with carbs, when I should be detoxing it with lemons. (I once survived 23 days on citrus fruits alone, not counting the 3 days I was on a drip at the hospital. And apart from the tube up my nose, I looked awesome. Thanks, Woman's Day!)
And never have I laid eyes on such a spectacular array of expensive crap as clusters the glossy pages of Vogue.
But the best magazines, without a doubt, are the ones with exclamations marks at the end of the titles. Like OK! magazine. Or HELLO! magazine. They seem to scream at you from the shelves, and the lunch room table. "HELLO!" they yell, "Check out Mischa's cellulite! Amy Winehouse is still alive! Got it!? Ok? OK!"
Now you may ask, what could offer me more than a publication with exclusive pictures of Brad and Angelina's new twins? Well, let me tell you.
It's like this. Imagine that common decency is like a sieve. All the celebrity gossip and paparazzi footage gets strained through into magazines with exclamation marked titles. And then all the dross that didn't get filtered, all the crummy residue, it gets deposited into the garbage bin. And the garbage bin in this metaphor, is the internet.
Yes, the internet is a rubbish tip of nip-slips, side-boobs, before-they-were-famous nude pictures, and celebrity sex-tapes. And like everything on the internet, it's yours as soon as you know where to find it.
Once our patrons hear about this, they may be keen to hone their google search skills in Introduction to Internet classes. If any of them feel a bit guilty about wanting to see their best loved stars publicly exposed and disgraced, assure them that it's perfectly ok. Tell them that it may annoy an average person to have a camera constantly trying to look up their dress or down their top, or through their hotel window, but for celebrities, it's the price they pay for being rich and famous. And if they still feel bad, tell them something like, in a way it's publicity for the celebrities. And actually, it's their right as non-celebrities to have a bit of a look and a laugh.
Think of some exercises you can run through with patrons to ensure they find the particular kinds of content they're looking for.
An easy practice search might include the keywords: Lindsay Lohan + upskirt pics.
Test the patrons by having them search for Miley Cyrus's raunchy myspace pictures (Miley + bikini + jailbait), Paris Hilton's career highlight (Paris Hilton + sex tape), or a past Baywatch star's re-ascendance from obscurity (David Hasselhoff + drunk + eating burger).
Our patrons will become more technologically literate by using the internet to engage preexisting interests. Online celebrity smut offers them the entertainment and content of their magazines in an extreme online form! It's time we delivered the 29th thing to the people.
