29th Thing - Online Celebrity Smut

Oh, magazines. They're flimsy and thin and only cost about 5 bucks, and yet, they hold so much wisdom and make our lives that little bit better.

If not for CLEO, I'd still be ignorant of what my hair straighter says about my personality. Or the top 25 ways I'll always suck more than Jennifer Hawkins. Or why I should rethink high-waisted pants.

Cosmo has educated me on how empowering saline can be for the modern woman, especially when tastefully implanted under the pectoralis muscle "for the right reasons" (such as looking hot, and making your ex-boyfriend regret dumping you).

Without magazines, I'd still be poisoning my body with carbs, when I should be detoxing it with lemons. (I once survived 23 days on citrus fruits alone, not counting the 3 days I was on a drip at the hospital. And apart from the tube up my nose, I looked awesome. Thanks, Woman's Day!)

And never have I laid eyes on such a spectacular array of expensive crap as clusters the glossy pages of Vogue.

But the best magazines, without a doubt, are the ones with exclamations marks at the end of the titles. Like OK! magazine. Or HELLO! magazine. They seem to scream at you from the shelves, and the lunch room table. "HELLO!" they yell, "Check out Mischa's cellulite! Amy Winehouse is still alive! Got it!? Ok? OK!"

Now you may ask, what could offer me more than a publication with exclusive pictures of Brad and Angelina's new twins? Well, let me tell you.

It's like this. Imagine that common decency is like a sieve. All the celebrity gossip and paparazzi footage gets strained through into magazines with exclamation marked titles. And then all the dross that didn't get filtered, all the crummy residue, it gets deposited into the garbage bin. And the garbage bin in this metaphor, is the internet.

Yes, the internet is a rubbish tip of nip-slips, side-boobs, before-they-were-famous nude pictures, and celebrity sex-tapes. And like everything on the internet, it's yours as soon as you know where to find it.

Once our patrons hear about this, they may be keen to hone their google search skills in Introduction to Internet classes. If any of them feel a bit guilty about wanting to see their best loved stars publicly exposed and disgraced, assure them that it's perfectly ok. Tell them that it may annoy an average person to have a camera constantly trying to look up their dress or down their top, or through their hotel window, but for celebrities, it's the price they pay for being rich and famous. And if they still feel bad, tell them something like, in a way it's publicity for the celebrities. And actually, it's their right as non-celebrities to have a bit of a look and a laugh.

Think of some exercises you can run through with patrons to ensure they find the particular kinds of content they're looking for.

An easy practice search might include the keywords: Lindsay Lohan + upskirt pics.

Test the patrons by having them search for Miley Cyrus's raunchy myspace pictures (Miley + bikini + jailbait), Paris Hilton's career highlight (Paris Hilton + sex tape), or a past Baywatch star's re-ascendance from obscurity (David Hasselhoff + drunk + eating burger).

Our patrons will become more technologically literate by using the internet to engage preexisting interests. Online celebrity smut offers them the entertainment and content of their magazines in an extreme online form! It's time we delivered the 29th thing to the people.

28th Thing - Finding Eternal Love in Internet Chatrooms

(This is a long blog post. But I get proposed to in it so it's worth the effort.)

Some people believe in love at first sight. I have heard, however, that it is possible, through technology, to fall in love with a person you've never even seen in one of the many chatrooms scattered throughout cyberspace. I don't know what these people are looking at when they fall in love. Maybe their mousepads. Maybe their keyboards. Maybe their USB drives. It's anyone's guess, really.

Apparently it works, and I've been having a dry spell lately, so I logged onto the Romance ICQ chatroom to test the phenomenon. Not wanting to appear too desperate, I went with the nickname: LoveMeNow.

It didn't take long for a potential suitor to pop up.

aussiesurf- hey
LoveMeNow- hey there.
aussiesurf- how r u
LoveMeNow- I'm wonderful.
aussiesurf- great 24 m qld here u?
LoveMeNow- 24 f brisbane
aussiesurf- me 2
aussiesurf- south side
LoveMeNow- I'm east.
aussiesurf- do you have msn at all/
LoveMeNow- Yeah, but i was just going to chat in here for now.
aussiesurf- oh ok well i was tinking maybe we culd chat in the future maybe
LoveMeNow- um.
aussiesurf- ok well its *******@hotmail.com if u wanna add me
LoveMeNow- ok, that's nice of you. thanks. i've gotta go now.

I felt kind of awkward and guilty for wasting some dude's time. It was a nibble, although not quite Eternal Love as promised by the 28th thing.

And then ...

mitchu- asl?
LoveMeNow- 24 f australia
mitchu- 27/m/nigeria
LoveMeNow- hi. how are you doing?
mitchu- what you look like
LoveMeNow- arms, legs ... torso. you know, the usual.
mitchu- are you pretty girl?
LoveMeNow- my mum says so.
mitchu- i want to mean business with you now
LoveMeNow- excuse me?
mitchu- i realy love you
LoveMeNow- score!!!!!!

This was it! Chatroom love was really happening!

mitchu- i need to marry
LoveMeNow- ok.
mitchu- am serious
LoveMeNow- sure. any conditions?
mitchu- i want you/ i can pay some.
LoveMeNow- i don't come cheap.
mitchu- at all cost....i will for U
LoveMeNow- well, give me a quote and we'll work from there.
mitchu- please write to me m*******@hotmail.com and sent pic and note that am serious
LoveMeNow- are you going to ship me over there by air or sea mail? Because i get kind of sea sick.
mitchu- i will give you father 100,000 shillings for you
LoveMeNow- well, shillings are great. but you should know my dowry is a pocketful of pennies, 2 pieces of gum and a 'Kevin '07' bumper sticker.
mitchu- - i will come over there instead...i will be back soon..please email me
LoveMeNow- - ok, well make sure you don't marry anyone else while you're gone because i've put my gum on the line for you.

I was ecstatic. All my dreams were coming true. Within 5 minutes, my paramour was back.

mitchu- is high time we began getting serious about this
LoveMeNow- hear hear! let us commence with the nuptials immediately.
mitchu- what is the meaning of that
LoveMeNow- it means... that i cannot face this world alone anymore. take me now, mitchu. take me now and let us be done with this playing around.
mitchu- that was a great suprise...my heart skip a bit...how can i get you my dear, how , tell me how....(more of poetry)
LoveMeNow- oh, you want poetry? ok. um Roses are red, violets are blue, you're incredibly entertaining and i am ... also trying.
mitchu- i mean, let me know how we can get together...currently am a degree holder in science...am tough
LoveMeNow- tough, huh? yeah, you science boys are real macho carrying around those heavy textbooks, i know.
mitchu- so you know that.....i carry heavy programming books
LoveMeNow- honestly? wow. how many books can you bench press?
mitchu- it depends on the moods
LoveMeNow- oh yeah. i understand; you're an emotional guy.
mitchu- am serious..i want you, i dream u?
LoveMeNow- yes, i dream too sometimes. you know, once i dreamed i drove a remote control wheelchair into a water fountain.
mitchu- am not emotional...why do u call me that? I want to get rich by marrying you and getting to live in Australia with you and working there
LoveMeNow- - i can hire you to polish my space bar.

Now we were really getting somewhere. Just had to work out the finer details. My new friend's connection got cut off and I feared the whole relationship was over, but soon he was back.

mitchu- please resend the msg
LoveMeNow- oh, i offered you a job polishing my space bar. but now, i'm feeling generous, and i'll pay you 3 shillings if you polish the whole keyboard.
mitchu- how do i get there, i promise to "polish" your keyboard and you very well......how do i get there
LoveMeNow- ok, you're gonna want to head south down your continent and then hook a left when you reach the ocean, travel about yea far, and then you'll see me standing there waving a polishing rag.
mitchu- i hope you got my words real clear.
LoveMeNow- yeah, i'm getting most of it, but you really should give up drinking during the day.

Ok, so that wasn't very loving. I really shouldn't have said that.

mitchu- you must be a fun girl...and eloquent indeed. Stop fooling me. Why don't you come over here. My family is the richest in the village and i assure you of a big bungulo for you and our family
LoveMeNow- actually, i'm sorry but i think we should break off our engagement.
mitchu- why break?? i want it that much
LoveMeNow- yeah, i'm sorry, but you know, i just feel we've grown apart in the last 3 minutes
mitchu- how is that possible...i thought we were actually getting into it more seriously
LoveMeNow- i just think you should find a nice girl where you're from and polish her keyboard.
mitchu- why not you...are u afraid?
mitchu- i can polish your keyboard verywell...am good at...i have done it before
mitchu- i would polish you keyboard with even my tongue to ensure that it is clean as the snow in aussland
LoveMeNow- hahahahahaha.
mitchu> what does u mean
LoveMeNow- i'm laughing. and my face hurts now.
mitchu- am about to go home...am currently at university
LoveMeNow- alright, you take care, mate. and remember, we're not engaged anymore but i will carry part of you in my heart forever. And by heart, i mean blog. so be well. have a good day.
mitchu- i be missing you
mitchu- do u love me?
mitchu- do u want me to be you future partner?
LoveMeNow- no. now go home.

Well, that was pretty amazing. My faith in love is fully restored. Try it for yourselves if you dare, 23 thingers.

27th Thing - Forming Internet Gambling Addictions

Everyone needs a hobby. Some people take up knitting. Some people start jar collections, play ping pong, or fake their own deaths and move to Panama. And the common denominator with all these things is fun.

Regular gambling addictions have been around for centuries, perhaps since money was invented. And even before that, wives were berating husbands for flushing the family's sheep and goat balance down the toilet. But the internet age has ushered in a new form of this traditional pastime.


Here are the top advantages for Internet Gambling Addictions. Maybe some motivated individual can do up a glossy brochure for our patrons.

* Unlike the stools at the pokies, computer chairs have wheels. Wheels = more fun.
* If you have a wireless connection and can multi-task, you can carry on your hobby during family mealtimes, in boardroom meetings, and on vacations.
* While entering your credit card details on gambling websites does mean that you will be financially penalized if you have a run of bad luck, it still doesn't feel as real real as actual in-your-wallet money. So there's less guilt and you feel better about losing.
* It is the ideal hobby for people who are allergic to sunlight, as you never have to leave your darkened computer room.
* Stress from the pressure of trying to perfect your poker face is eliminated.

So what are you waiting for?

Next time, 28th Thing - Finding Eternal Love in Internet Chatrooms.

Reality is Bad for Morale

Some words to live by from the always inspiring despair.com.

Blogs roll down stairs...Alone or in pairs.

Does this happen to anyone else?

You hear the word blog and automatically think of Ren and Stimpy's timeless classic - The Log Song?




Good to know I'm not alone.

26th Thing - Ordering Internet Brides

Back in the day, when clubs came into vogue, romance involved the gentleman administering a blow to his beloved's head and then dragging her unconscious body back to his cave.

Continuing that tradition, the internet hosts many sites where you can order internet brides. Of course, you can't bash them senseless these days (though boys will be boys! Wink!) but since there is a good chance these lovely ladies are shackled by economic and/or social factors, you can be assured that the hunter/prey dynamic that makes love affairs so thrilling will still be present!

If you're running a 2-hour Introduction to Ordering Internet Brides class this may be a good way to structure the program.

10am Provide patrons with a list of popular sites. Encourage them to browse so they can get a sense of what types of human merchandise are available.

10.30am Have a brief discussion on the pros and cons of brides from specific continents relying heavily upon cultural stereotypes - the reliable Eastern European design, the feisty Latina model, and the sleek Asian compact. Remind patrons that although it's free to order on these sites, significant financial outlays may be needed to keep their products in condition once they arrive.

10.45am The sites will require patrons to create profiles so the brides-to-be can get an idea of their intended's personality. This consists mainly of checking a selection of hundreds of little boxes (eg. want children, have children, unfit to parent, heavy build, medium build, slender build but still strong enough to wield a club etc.) so it will be good mouse practice for the patrons and provides a great opportunity for them to express themselves.

11.15am Show patrons how to upload their picture onto their profiles. Also give advice on how to select and prepare photos that will show them to their best advantage (eg. cropping out current wives, especially if the divorce papers are still being processed).

11.45am A fantastic way to end the class on a high note is to get patrons to print off copies of their future brides' profiles. The class can then mingle and show off everything they've accomplished in just 2 hours!

12.00pm Lunch.

25th thing: Selling Junk on Ebay

This may simply look like the foul, moldy result of me half-drinking a cappuccino and then leaving the mug on my desk for days and days. And actually, that's just what it is. But for the internet user adept at selling junk on ebay, this swamp of grossucino could be more than a disgusting symbol of my ineptitude as an adult. It could in fact be a product.

In the US a couple of years back, someone found the face of Jesus burned into their piece of toast. It seemed obvious that someone would want to buy that and what better way to find demand than the world's largest internet auction. Someone else tried to sell a bit of rotted ceiling above their bathtub that also seemed to hold the image of the Son of God. Junk doesn't have to take the form of religious relics - one family was considering selling their homemade Australia-shaped prawn cracker on ebay until a radio station fetched them a higher price.

I once had the face of Princess Di in my sunburn, but wasn't dedicated enough to the selling of junk to peel it off my shoulder and bubble wrap it. I still think to myself sometimes, "If only I'd found Diana in a golden crumpet or sneezed her into a tissue."

If you have a strong stomach, look at my mug again. Tilt your head a bit to the left. It looks like a baby's face, right!? Can you see it? Like a chubby baby with gangrene wearing a brown eye patch over it's left eye. Holy toast face - IT'S SHILOH PITT! It's Brangelina's cherub child in my disgusting coffee mug!

Starting price - $5.

24th Thing: Internet Scamming

Making an internet scam work is like auditioning for Australian Idol, asking strangers on the street to sign whatever you have on your clipboard, and being the turkish delight in the box of Cadbury Roses - unless you're prepared for some rejection, you're going to get hurt. The truth is there is no such thing as a perfect internet scam. Scammers seem to work on the premise that the internet is teeming with idiots and if you cast your net wide enough, you're sure to catch a few. Therefore, the most common scam comes through mass emails.

Four things are vital when scripting a scam letter - mention of a person of status (monarchs usually make the hard sell), an intriguing international location, poor English for authenticity, and, most importantly, the tragic storyline.

Don't be too ambitious when you first start out. I suggest you start small - the King of Nigeria offering a large sum of money to whoever will help you transfer your wealth off-shore amidst political turmoil. Then, when you find your feet, you might become a CEO's widow, pleading for a small amount of money to cover legal fees before sending you a portion of her husband's hefty life insurance payout.

Soon you could even be a Romanian university student who has patented a potentially lucrative drug curing a fatal dandruff epidemic dusting over Eastern Europe, a terrible disease that struck down and de-scalped your father (the wealthy CEO of a cotton bud/tinned peas company) and left you orphaned, just days before you sold your kidney for $20 000 and won the Romanian lottery after trading your last goat and 2B pencil for a ticket. That one's mine. You can't have it.

The economy has been letting us down lately, and scams can help you pocket a bit more dough to ease the financial strain of Christmas. All you need is an internet connection, a bit of ingenuity, and little to no conscience! Easy!

23 things + 4 things = 27 things

So apparently there are 23 things the internet-savvy computer user should be able to fiddle about with including YouTube, Wikis and the other ones I haven't heard of and hope I'll come to understand by rapidly clicking next, next, next, next, next.

BUT! Since we are doing this not only for our own benefit, but for the benefit of our beloved patrons, I think we can tap a little deeper into the rich resource which is the internet and come up with at least another four.

I'd like to offer an extension of 23 things for those of you with an insatiable hunger for things. I think I'll call it 23 + 4 = 27 things.

And the bonus four things for anyone eager to learn will be:
1. Internet Scamming
2. Selling Junk on Ebay
3. Ordering Internet Brides, and
4. Forming Internet Gambling Addictions.

Facebook - the harbinger of societal collapse or something far more sinister?

Patrons are quick to tell me that the self-checkout machines will soon put me out of a job.

I try not to become alarmed, assuring myself that should such a time come when my skills are made redundant by rampant technology, I will simply become a robot.

This comforts me a little, but having seen the Terminator movies, I know that technology will eventually lead to the near destruction of the human race. And while I'm happy to become a robot, it doesn't seem fair that everyone should have to, right? (The films have also readied me for the realities of time travel - arriving at my destination in a storm of electricity, I will find myself nude, making it necessary to steal clothes from the nearest bum. Always best to know these things in advance.)

Even though technology may come attached to an ample dose of curse, it's nice to see the library service offering ways for the public to become familiar with the new stuff available, particularly on the net.

I've always been a bit technologically retarded, but at the urging of friends, I opened up a Facebook account.

Facebook has taught me that 'friend' is not only a noun, but also a verb. You can be 'friended' on Facebook by people you've only acquaintanced in real life giving you a skewed but pleasurable sense of your own popularity. This social networking site can also put you back in touch with people you thought you'd successfully ex-ed or enemied and cut out of your life forever. It really is something.

The Facebook wall is where all your friends basically graffiti on your account, and everyone can read what came into their head when they thought of you. It's like a text message except not private at all and sometimes cringe-inducing if you have a generous 'friending' policy that includes past bosses, teachers, friends' mothers, and mutual acquaintances who don't get along. If you're like me, not sure what to write and Queen of the Faux Pas, just go with something generic like, "hey dood! r u4 realz? luv the new pics. catchya babe! xxxooo". You might feel a bit stupid the first twenty or so times you do it, but being in front of the computer screen for hours on end has a numbing effect on the brain and after a while you don't feel a thing.

In fact, some Facebook experts say that if you spend long enough on it, you feel like the clicks come automatically. Like the keyboard is an extension of your hand, and the Facebook wall is an extension of your soul.

As C3PO once wisely said: We're doomed.